Is Ignorance Really Bliss?

And the saga continues....

I went back to the hematologist this past week for a check-up on my platelet count. My platelet count has stayed about the same for the past three visits, so that's a good thing. It's still low, but at least it's not dropping! My doc says that, ultimately, the bone marrow biopsy is the only way to rule out any serious medical condition, but he doesn't think it's absolutely necessary right now. In his words, "There's about a 15% chance you have an underlying lymphoma that is not symptomatic, or it could just be ITP." UGH! The only way to rule out the lymphoma is to do the bone marrow biopsy, but he doesn't think the biopsy is absolutely necessary unless my platelet count drops again. He said that even if they found that it was a lymphoma, the treatment wouldn't change until it became more aggressive. SO, do you do the biopsy and rule out the worst case scenario....or do you do the biopsy and find out the worst case scenario and let it sit on you like a ticking time bomb, just waiting for it to go off? I almost think I am more of the "ignorance is bliss" kind of person on this one...I would love to find out that there is nothing there and I really do just have ITP, but the idea that I could find out I have cancer and can't do anything about it is unbelievably nerve-racking!

(On a side note, I did ask my doctor about how this all plays into pregnancy and he seemed to think that pregnancy is OK. He did recommend having the biopsy done first, but, regardless of the results, he said he felt like pregnancy is an option. So, I guess I'll have the biopsy after all...not looking forward to it, but I guess it'll be good to have some answers and hopefully, I'll get good answers!!)

Near and Dear

As I've said before, I'm not the best blogger. I have to wait for something to hit me to write about and that doesn't happen everyday! Tonight, I am writing about something very near and dear to me...my Granny! My grandmother is an amazing woman! I would say she played a major role in raising me and each of my cousins. As a child, she could spoil the mess out of you and put the fear of God in you at the same time! I practically lived with my grandparents growing up...that's where I was before school, after school, weekends, and every summer as a child!

My Granny was one of those women that everyone knew in a small town...she worked at Hammer's (a store known for selling everything under the sun...think Hardware City with fabric!) and at Crouch's Drug Store in downtown Winchester. You see, Hammer's was a frequent stop among the women of the town, so all the women knew her...and, subsequently, knew all about me and my cousins since grandmother's brag! Whoever she didn't know from Hammer's, she knew from the pharmacy! I honestly think I can attribute my career decision to be a pharmacist to my grandmother. I loved going to visit her at the pharmacy...granted, it was probably because we always got a coke and some candy when we visited, but still I loved it. I remember having an assignment in the 3rd grade where we had to make a poster about what we wanted to be when we grew up...mine was a pharmacist! Visiting her at work sparked my interest in medicine! I saw the respect and trust my grandmother and other people had for the pharmacist and I knew that was what I wanted to do! I wanted to care for people and earn their trust! Thanks Granny for instilling that desire in me!

More than that, my Granny has always been a Godly woman. She was the one that made sure I was in church on Sunday....the one who took me to VBS, the one that got me in the Christmas plays, the one who gave me that dollar to put in the offering plate on Sunday mornings, and the one that showed me the unfailing love of Christ! Thanks Granny for that foundation!

Although much of this is written in past tense, my Granny is still with us! Unfortunately, she is not the Granny we all remember. About five years ago, shortly after my pharmacy school graduation, my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. This came as no surprise to any of us in the family since she had become increasingly forgetful over the past couple of years leading up to her diagnosis. The part that has come as a surprise to all of us is how quickly this disease progresses and steals that person we know and love so dearly. I can't begin to describe the emotions you feel when you go to visit your grandmother, the woman that practically raised you, and she has no clue who you are. Alzheimer's isn't a disease that eats away at someone physically...a person can be in sound health for their age...it eats away at a person mentally. Over the past few years, I have watched my Granny go from forgetting where she put her keys to forgetting where she parked her car to forgetting how to get back home to forgetting who I am. I don't think anyone can ever mentally prepare themselves for the battle they will face when a loved one is suffering from Alzheimer's.

So, why am I writing about all of this now? Well, the past few years I have wanted to be a part of an event called Memory Walk but I haven't be able to due to scheduling conflicts. Actually, I didn't think I would be able to participate this year either, but our vacation got canceled due to a scheduling conflict with my husband's work.  I am really excited that I will get to participate this year! The Memory Walk is a one mile fundraiser walk to help raise money for the Alzheimer's Foundation. The money raised goes to research for treatment, family counseling, and, ultimately, a cure for this terrible disease. I don't normally do these types of fundraisers because I hate asking anyone for donations, but this one is a little more personal for me! That being said, I am asking for support in this year's Memory Walk! The walk is in October and any donation is very much appreciated! I would also love for you to walk with me...you don't have to have any donations to walk, so if you want to walk with me, please do!!

I am attaching the link to the donation website if you would like to donate!

 This is me and my Granny at my pharmacy school graduation! It was so special to me that she was there! 

Here is the link to my donation page:

http://memorywalk10.kintera.org/clarksville/wendybrockman

Do I Have Too Many Dots on My Bottom?

OK, now get your head out of the gutter! I'm talking about painting! 

Today, I took my second trip to a place called Sips-n-Strokes in Franklin...and, once again, I loved it! If you've never heard of the place, you've probably heard of the concept. You go to a studio and everyone paints the same picture...sounds kind of boring, huh? It's so not boring though...especially if you're not a painter or artistic! It's so much fun! I went with five other ladies from church and we had such a blast! None of us are painters and I think that's what makes it so great. We each revealed our insecurities and uncertainties about our own paintings while complimenting and building up everyone else's paintings! Such a woman thing to do....you only see the worst in yourself, but see the best in everyone else!! We laughed, sighed, stressed, and overall had a ball during the two and half hour painting session! I think that at one point the instructor had to take a small break because our little group was laughing and talking so loud! It is so refreshing to spend some time with some great ladies and have such a great time! There were times during my painting that I was completely stressed out, but I still had such a great time! Enjoy the pics!!

It's amazing how we all follow the same directions and end up with such different interpretations!!

We had a choice of two different crosses, but Mary Beth was the only brave soul to take on the "swirly" cross!! Don't they all look so great!! My painting is going above Sadie's crib since her room is done in lime green and hot pink!! Maybe I'll post a pic later!!

With this ring...

David and I will be celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary this coming Monday! Who would've guessed that almost 12 years ago when we met during our freshman year of college that we would end up together? Well, other than God! It's actually a funny story of how we met...you should ask David sometime...oh wait, that's right, he doesn't remember the first time we met! HA! We have varying stories...mine is that we met one afternoon in early fall semester of our freshman year at APSU....his is that we met in Leadership 101 in  the spring semester of our freshman year. He claims that there is no way that we met before that because he would've remembered me...he also claims that he had a "thing" for me since the day he saw me...maybe he had temporary lapse of vision the first time we met! Either way, we went on to become really good friends...best of friends I would say for a couple of years before he finally worked up the courage to ask me out. He actually left an elementary style note with yes or no checkboxes on my car when he asked me out...funny, I don't think I ever checked a box! Guess it worked out in his favor though! I think I had fallen for him long before I knew, so once we started dating, I knew he was the one! He proposed after we had been dating for about a year and I was in my fall semester of pharmacy school. He came to visit one weekend and had a large box for me to unpack since he couldn't be there when I moved in...at the bottom of the box was the ring! It was really sweet! We got hitched a couple of years later after my second year of pharmacy school and the rest is history!

I never could've imagined the awesomeness that God had in store for us when we said "I do!" I am so thankful that we have such an amazing and wonderful God that created us for each other. There are so many little twists and turns in our lives that would've led us in different directions in life, but He placed each of us in the path that led to each other. Our marriage has been amazing so far...we have two beautiful daughters that have only made our bond stronger. I am so thankful and blessed to have such an amazing husband that gets me! He's seen all my quirks...trust me, there are gazillions....and he loves me just the same! Thank you, Lord, for this awesome man you made just for me!! Happy anniversary hon! Love you!! (I don't even think David reads my blog, so if you see him, tell him I love him...ha!!)

You Are What You Read

Over the past year or so I have become a fairly avid reader. I think in 2008 I probably read three books...maybe. In 2009, I read about 20 books. So far, I have read 16 books...working on two more right now. My goal for the year is 30 books, so I'm pretty on track! Of course, I can't mention reading without giving some love to Amazon for the Kindle. A coworker at BACH had a Kindle last year and after fiddling with it a couple of times, I decided I had to have one. Considering I'm married to the ultimate gadget guy, it wasn't very hard for me to convince him to buy it! I got my Kindle in spring 2009, hence the major jump in reading from 2008 to 2009! If you ever want to play with the Kindle, let me know. I love telling people about it because I use mine so often. Here are a few stats...it can hold something like 1500 books, you can download books wirelessly from the Kindle store without a computer, it uses a 3G signal without a contract or monthly fee, you literally download a new book from just about anywhere, and there are tons of free books available...just a few reasons I love mine! (If you know my hubby, you know he's an iPad fan...as an e-reader, the iPad doesn't have a thing on the Kindle!)

All that being said, let me get to the meat of my soap box for the day. One of the great things about Amazon is that they recommend purchases based on your previous purchases. For instance, if you read a book by certain author, they will recommend books by that same author or books of similar content. Thanks to that feature I have discovered I am a huge "chick lit" fan...you know, the stories where girl meets boy, girl likes boy, boy likes girl, something big happens to keep them apart, girl and boy find each other again and fall in love and live happily ever after. I love those stories! The problem with those books is that it's so hard to find clean content with that type of storyline. I have recently started to feel very convicted about what content enters our house as far as tv, internet, movies, and music. We don't let the girls watch too many kids shows even because we don't like the message being sent out by them. I have also stopped watching a good chunk of the shows I once watched "faithfully" like Gray's Anatomy and Private Practice. I would dvr the shows and watch them after the girls went to bed because the content was inappropriate for them to watch. I figured that if I wouldn't watch in front of my kids there must be a reason, so why am I watching it? It seems like so many shows are filled with so much sexual content, immorality, adultery, and language that it's almost not worth even having cable anymore! I know that I may sound a little extreme on this one, but I'm OK with that!

Fast forward to a couple of months ago...I've tried to eliminate as much impure content from my life as possible with music, tv, and internet (I cut out TMZ and celebrity gossip a long time ago...what a waste of my time), so I'm good right? Well, I'm laying in bed one night reading a book and I realize that the book I'm reading is littered with language, sexual content (not trashy romance), adultery, and blatant immorality. It occurs to me that I am reading what I wouldn't watch...it's not any better because I'm still creating that mental picture of those acts and you can't just skip over a "dirty" word by not reading it...it's still there. So, I downloaded one of the many free books available under the Christian fiction category. Jackpot! I found me some Christian chick lit!! I have found a few authors that write my kind of stories with a little more substance and I am loving it. There's nothing better to me than reading a cheesy lovey story and having a Bible verse referenced that you go straight to your Bible and highlight it! There's no shame in that kind of reading....it's kind of like Adam and Eve, there was no shame in their nudity until she took a bite of that stupid apple, but that's a whole other blog topic! I tried reading the regular chick lit a couple of weeks ago since one of my favorite authors released a new book, but I was so put off by the language and content of the book that I had a really hard time reading it. I went straight back to my new chick lit after that and I so thankful for it! Once again, what a great and awesome God we have...He even provides us with Christian fiction! HA!

On a side note, if you do so happen to purchase a Kindle, get the insurance they offer! Trust me on that one, one treacherous drop on the floor at the Y and that screen is toast! I am actually on my second Kindle because of good drop and I now have insurance! Here are a couple of pics of my Kindle...I finally got a skin for it!!

It All Happens So Quickly

We all know this day is coming, but are we ever really ready? I'm talking about Kindergarten! We have been mulling over the big kindergarten decision for months....where do we send Hannah for school next year? After much, much prayer and indecision I think we have finally made a call. Last week, David and I toured Clarksville Christian School as an option for Hannah...and ultimately Sadie! We were really pleased with what we saw at the school and decided to go for it! After turning in her application packet, we scheduled her for the Brigance test (spelling?) for kindergarten readiness. In the public school system, this test is done during the first two weeks of the school year, but with private school, they do the test ahead of time so that the children can start the school year with the other grades. I took Hannah for her test yesterday afternoon...I guess my test anxiety from my school years has followed me into parenthood. I was more nervous for her than she even knew to be. Of course, she did fine on the test and we now officially know that she is ready for kindergarten! It's very exciting, but also very nerve-racking to think about my baby girl going off to big school....good think I have a couple months to mentally prepare! 

As if that's not enough drama for the week, Hannah also had her Pre-K graduation this past Friday evening. I was prepared to ball my eyes out during the whole thing, but I was so entertained by all of the cuteness that I didn't even think to cry! There are two Pre-K classes at her school and each class had prepared a song to perform during the ceremony...naturally, Hannah's class did better than the other! Ha! Just joking, they both did excellent! The children also sang the national anthem, said the pledge of allegiance, and sang a version of "Itsy Bitsy Spider" in English and Spanish!! They were so sweet! Hannah got flowers from us and from David's parents and was so excited about them. Following the ceremony was the most important part in Hannah's eyes...punch and cookies!! After everything, we all went to Chick-fil-a for dinner and Hannah got to play! The evening was topped off for her by having her Nanny and Poppy stay the night. She loves when they come to visit!! 

Hannah in her cap! Isn't she cute!!

Hannah's favorite teach, Ms. Kayla! Hannah got her flowers for being such a great teacher!!

Whew...that was a close one!!

If you've been following me at all in the past month or so, you know what today was...the dreaded day. Well, it turned out to not be such a terrible day after all! Let me give you the facts first, then I will share my testimony for the day! Stay tuned for that part! 

So, my appointment was at 12:45 this afternoon. I got off to a slow start this morning and opted to take the girls for donuts for breakfast...I think the chocolate was more to calm than to treat them! Of course, I took them for donuts in my full workout gear because it's Wednesday and I definitely go to the Y on Wednesday! Well, needless to say, I just wasn't feeling it this morning. After the donut shop, the girls and I hit the Starbucks drive-thru for my usual Half-Caf, Skinny Caramel Latte with a little bit of whip for good measure...again my comfort foods. I took them to daycare and headed toward the Y, but I called Linda on the way and decided that I would be much more useful visiting her. I told her I had an hour to kill and asked if I could come keep her company...two hours later, I realized that I still hadn't showered and had an appointment in two hours....procrastinate, me? Never!! Ha! David got home shortly after I hopped in the shower, so I knew I was running way behind. We left the house around noon thinking we could grab a quick lunch before my appointment. We didn't think that one through very well and had all of ten minutes to eat before I was supposed to be there, so we had Burger King drive-thru....no worries, Whopper Jr. is about 300 calories and I scraped off the mayo which had to have been 200 of it, right? That was the first time I've had a burger in months and now I'm not so sure why I ever ate that kind of food on a regular basis....totally different topic! We ended eating on the way and got there right on time!

If you've read my previous posts, you've gotten the description of the weigh-in procedures at an oncologist's office. You weigh-in, check blood pressure, check temp, and give at least two vials of blood all during check-in...and you sit there in the lab while they run your blood through the machine. If you can figure it out, which I have, you can read the numbers on the display and see your blood counts while your waiting. Usually, I know what my platelet count is before I ever get to the exam room, but today there was an after lunch rush in the lab and was taken to the exam room before my blood was run through the machine. I had no idea what my count was which didn't ease my anxiety at all...as David says, you can tell when I'm anxious because I can't sit still and I'll talk to anyone...today it was the poor old guy who weighed in after me! When the nurse came into the exam room to review my chart and go over the procedure with me, she informed my that my platelet count was 138...awesome! That's the highest it's been in a few months! It's still below normal, but compared to the 93 at my first visit it's a great number! After she saw my count, she told me that she wanted to double check with the doc before getting me prepped for the bone marrow biopsy/aspiration. She popped her head back in a few minutes later and said that he wanted to talk with me before we did the procedure. We waited...and waited...and waited for him...good thing she didn't have me prepped because it was a little chilly in that office and I would not have enjoyed laying on an exam table with my back side out for the world to see for 30 minutes! When he came in, he went over my labs and said that he was comfortable with holding off on the biopsy for now. He said that he still felt strongly that I have ITP and would be OK with monitoring for a few more months since my count was improving. He did say that we could still do the procedure today if I preferred, but he was comfortable with waiting and watching. Naturally, I chose to go ahead with the procedure and get it over with....NOT! I'm crazy, but not that crazy! So, no bone marrow biopsy today!

Where does that leave us? Good question! We basically don't know anything more than last time, but I feel better that my numbers improved so much. I go back in two months for blood work and see the doc in four months for a follow-up. However, if I experience any increase in bleeding or bruising, I am to call and come in sooner. He seemed pretty satisfied with my levels today. He did hint at a little concern when I showed him the bruising on my arms and legs and told him that I bleed pretty much every time I brush my teeth...I actually thought he was going to change his mind and do the procedure after all when I told him about it. He said he was concerned that I was having symptoms with that platelet count, but, knowing my hesitation with the biopsy, he felt like we could wait and see. So, here I am, the evening of my dreaded bone marrow biopsy with no horror story to share! That's what I was hoping for!!

I am not going to sugarcoat this part of my story at all! Consider yourself warned!

 I truly and fully believe that the only reason things went so well today was God! I have struggled and struggled over the past couple of months...it is scary to not know what is going to happen. It is so hard to sit back and trust the Lord to take care of it all. So many times I have wanted to just ball up on the floor or in the bed and just sob out of fear...maybe I did a couple of times, but He has carried me through this experience in so many ways. As you've read in previous posts, I do not share my problems easily, but through my "letting go", I have received so, so many words of encouragement and support. I don't even know who out there has been praying for us and I don't need to know, but I am so thankful and encouraged by it. I didn't really remind anyone of my appointment today, but I received several kind words from friends throughout the morning encouraging and letting me know that they were praying for me. Before we went in for my appointment, David prayed for us that the Lord would simply take care of us...not to make anything better, just care for us through whatever the outcome. I found such peace in that prayer! As I sat in the exam room waiting, my phone kept dinging with e-mails and Facebook alerts from friends praying for us. David had posted a request for prayer for me at 12:45...people I don't even know commented that they were praying. One friend post at around 12:50 that he and his wife had just prayed over our family and that the Lord would just have His hand on us. These people had no idea why they were praying for me, but they did it anyway. He knows what we need even when we don't! He cares for us....oh, how He loves us! After I found out that I wasn't going to have the procedure today, all I could say was "praise the Lord"! I was crying as I walked out the building out of joy for the Lord. Why  else would today, of all days, be the day that my platelet count would be up? I had downloaded the song "Our God' by Chris Tomlin to my iPhone to listen to during the procedure today, but I didn't end up needing it. When I got into the car, that song came on the radio literally as I was shutting my door. As the song says, "and if our God is for us, then who can ever stop us, and if our God is with us, then what can stand against us"! He is on our side...He's on your side! 

I hear people say all the time that being a Christian is all about rules and do's and don'ts, but it is so much more than that. It is about a God, a Father, that loves you so much and wants a relationship with you. He wants to know you and shelter you and comfort you...He wants you to allow Him to do those things for you! Our God is not about being held captive from anything, it's about loving Him so much that you have no desire to do those things that hold you captive from experiencing His glory! He loves us so, so much and even when we may not feel it, He is carrying us through this world! Some would say today was coincidence....I say it's no coincidence. It is the unconditional, unfailing love of our almighty God! Let Him love you...let Him carry you! It is so worth it!

That's all for now! Sorry for the length of this post, but I couldn't get it all out in a few words...no surprise there, huh? Thank you again for all of your prayer and support...I am so blessed and thankful for each and every prayer that has been said for us! I will continue to keep you updated when I go back to the doctor. Oh, and for those who may be wondering, I still don't know about pregnancy, but right now things are looking better in that area!! No plans for anything in the near future, but it does feel better to know that it could still be a possibility!! Thanks for reading! Whether it's night or day when you read this, I hope it's a good one for you!! 

 

Thanks!

I have been so overwhelmed by all of the sweet words of encouragement I have received over the past week. Like the silly-head I truly am, I completely forgot that I linked my blog to publish to my Facebook profile. I posted my "Platelet update" last Thursday evening, but it didn't immediately post to Facebook. Imagine my shock on Sunday when I started receiving all of the sweet messages and comments! Like I mentioned before, I am a very private kind of person and I do not share my own struggles very easily. I'll listen to anyone else tell me about their problems all day...good thing since that's what I do for a living! Ha! I just don't like the vulnerability of telling others about my struggles. I'm sure you're thinking...why blog about it then? Well, honestly, I thought I had maybe 4 people reading my blog, so it wasn't a big deal. Plus, I never really knew who was reading my thoughts, so it made it a little easier! I think God is calling me out on my pride on this one...it is so hard for me to let others know that I am hurting or struggling...I guess that's because I feel so open to more hurt when I do that. Don't ask...I got issues, but, then again, don't we all!! I have been praying for a while now for the Lord to help me with my struggle with pride...boy did He respond in a way I could've never predicted. I have truly laid out my fears and worries for the world to see! Have I gained any additional hurt from that? Nope, not one bit...just lots more love than I could've ever imagined! So, thanks again for that!

Just in case you were wondering, the actual date and time for the bone marrow biopsy is this coming Wednesday, April 28 at 12:45. Please keep those prayers coming...they seem to be working! I do get stressed about it at times, but, for the most part, I try not to think about it. I did try to Google more info on the procedure written from a patient's perspective...it didn't ease my concerns at all! If you find a blog that talks about a bone marrow biopsy being pain-free, please forward it along!! As my doctor told me, maybe I will be the person to write that blog! I guess we'll find out in a few days....yikes, I just said a few days! I'm hoping I can take my iPod in the room with me and listen to that during the procedure...I can't think of a better song to listen to than Chris Tomlin's "Our God is Greater"...if you haven't heard it, look it up! It's a good one and a wonderful reminder that we truly can overcome anything with Christ by our side!  Regardless of what we face, our God is so infinitely awesome and comforting...there is nothing we could do to make him love us more or less! What an unfathomable love He has for us...if you're reading this and you don't know God in that way, please talk with someone! I may not have all of the answers to your questions, but I can point you in the direction of someone that has more a of clue than me!

I pray that this post finds you all doing well...I really do appreciate the prayers and support from you all! I thank God for you all and I pray that reading my thoughts has somehow encouraged you as well! Trust me on this one, even on my worst day, I am not discouraged! As I sit here writing this, I am waiting for some pretty nasty weather to come our way...it's not a fun wait and I'm not excited about it all, but, you know what does excite me about it? The joy and appreciation I will have the for calm and beauty after the storm has passed! So, if this is a storm in my life, then I can't wait to see the joy that's coming after it's gone!! OK, enough with my sappy, mushy-gushy talk for now! Again, I thank you all so much for your love and support!! Have a great night...or day if that's when you're reading this!! Love you all!

Platelet update...

Yesterday, I went back to my hem/onc doctor for another check on my platelet count and to review all of the labs I had done at my last visit. I haven't really talked to many people about all of this, so I guess I'm using my blog as a sounding board. I don't think very many people read my blog so I guess I still feel like it is somewhat of a private matter...even though I've posted it online for the world to see! I didn't think yesterday and flubbed by posting a status update on Facebook about going to the doctor...needless to say, when you mention oncology at all, people start flipping out. I actually had one person, whom I had not spoken to at all about all of this stuff, hit my biggest fears head on...I was kind of weird! I'm still struggling with sharing all of this info with that many people. Don't get me wrong, I covet your prayers, but I am not one to draw attention to myself and I feel like that's exactly what I'm doing by talking about all of this.

OK, back to the update....

After the fabulous seven vials of blood at my last visit, this is what we found....nothing! Well, not really nothing. He was able to fairly confidently rule out any indicator of leukemia or multiple myelomas...that's great news. The not so great news was that the one test he ordered (checking for antiplatelet antibodies) to basically confirm a diagnosis of ITP (which is what we're hoping for) came back negative. He said that sometimes that test comes back negative because there is not enough of the antibody in that particular blood sample to give a positive result. He seemed a little frustrated by this result...I think he was hoping for a positive as much as I was. ITP is very manageable and often doesn't require treatment....best of all, you can still be a baby-making machine with ITP!

Where do we go from here? That was the question of the hour! Well, for starters, my platelet count is still  low. Not much change since last time...not lower, but not much better. If the ITP "test" had come back positive, I think we would be done with a diagnosis and could just focus on managing that. He said that his "gut feeling" was still ITP, but, as we all know, in medicine a gut feeling is not enough! So, given my consistently low platelet count and negative result for antiplatelet antibodies, he wants to continue with the bone marrow biopsy. I am scheduled to have the biopsy done in two weeks. As I previously mentioned, I am not overly thrilled about this! My doctor said that it is not a painful procedure and I shouldn't be nervous, but he followed that up by saying that he had never had one done. I expressed my anxiety about the procedure and he agreed that he would probably feel the same way if he were in my shoes. He gave me a prescription for an anti-anxiety med to take before the procedure so I could be more relaxed. We'll see how that goes!

As of now, I'm still a little freaked out about everything, but I am at peace with it. As I've said before, I am not in control of all of this...all I can do is trust in the Lord and let Him guide me through it. I do covet your prayers...not so much for the diagnosis or outcome, but more for me to not worry about it all! I had to run some errands after my appointment yesterday and it was one of those times that I prayed I didn't run into anyone I knew because I'm pretty sure I would've lost it altogether as soon as I tried to speak...man, imagine that poor soul! Fortunately, no one had to go through that!

So, that's that. I will keep you updated as I find out more! On a more positive note, those prayers you all have been sending my way must be working somewhat. I had my annual lady visit last week and my OB/GYN, who has previously been everything but encouraging when it comes to my reproductive system going back to work, actually said that he was fine with caring for me through another pregnancy...assuming the hem/onc gives the green light! You guys are good, so keep those prayers coming!! Thanks for reading and praying for us on this matter!! Hopefully, my next update will be all about how smooth and easy the biopsy went!

Does Music Really Matter?

Lately, I have been struggling with staying motivated during my workouts. It is difficult to find music that will keep you "pumped up" consistently. I generally listen to praise and worship music when I workout, but a couple of friends at work had suggested some songs that keep them moving at a good pace. I thought there could be no harm in trying out different workout music...and it worked for a little bit. I generally pull up my Pandora app on my phone and pick a station and go with it...my favorite artist stations are Chris Tomlin, Addison Road, and Philips, Craig, and Dean, but based on the suggestions I had received, I tried Lady Gaga and Black Eye Peas. I will say the music had a great beat and pepped my step while I was listening. So, it worked, right? WRONG! Sure, I had a fast paced workout and probably burned some extra calories, but what good is burning calories and improving your physical appearance if you are damaging your spirit. Colossians 3:17 says "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." I know that some may say that listening to a song doesn't matter...especially if you don't sing along. Well, I found myself humming those songs to myself or singing the lyrics in my head throughout the day after listening to them. I know, no big deal...you got a song stuck in your head...we all do it, right? Well, how in the world am I glorifying my God by singing lyrics like "I wanna take a ride on your disco-stick" (who even would've known what that reference was to) or "I gotta feeling tonight's gonna be a good night" or "Let's drink it up"? Simply put, I'm NOT! I have felt very convicted about my music for the past few years and really don't listen to secular music if I can control it. I let myself slip and boy, did it make a difference in my attitude and outlook. I realized what I was doing and quickly changed my tune...no pun intended! I changed my music back to praise and worship, and let me tell you, nothing gets my body moving like Travis Cottrell's "Alive, Forever, Amen"...I mean, what could get you pumped and motivated more than singing about the awesome victory over death of our Lord and Savior! I found that after that workout, my entire day was more positive and I was giving the glory to God rather than myself for a great workout. I know that everyone may not share my opinion on this matter, but it really does matter to me. Think about the things that influence you...the words you speak and hear....the sights your eyes see...the sounds your ears hear...all of these shape you and your attitude. Please, don't get me wrong, I am a sinner day in and day out! I slip up and say things that I know are not glorifying God and are not a joyful noise to his ears, but I am SO, SO, SO thankful that He is a God of forgiveness and love. It doesn't seem to matter how many times I mess up, He still loves and cherishes me! Like the Chris Tomlin song says "How can I keep from singing Your praise?"

Platelets...who needs 'em?

OK, so it's been a while since I've updated anyone! Guess I'm not so great at this whole blogging thing after all. Let's see....since my last post, Sadie turned one, we had Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year, I turned 30 (yikes!), I've lost about 35 pounds (but, contrary to popular belief, I do still eat and am not in any way anorexic!), two of my dear friends are about to meet their newest additions, I decided to go back to retail pharmacy and am now working 3 days per week at Sam's Club, and my platelet levels continue to not cooperate! I'm really not sure if I will even post this, but I think it's therapeutic to write about it all.

As many of you may recall, I had gestational thrombocytopenia throughout my last pregnancy. (That's a fancy name meaning that during pregnancy my platelet levels drop. The platelets are the part of your blood that cause clotting, so they're kind of important!) After I had Sadie, I was referred to a hematologist (which is kind of scary because pretty much all hematologists are also oncologists) to further evaluate me. He determined that the platelet issue was just a pregnancy thing since my levels bounced back to normal two weeks post-partum. He also gave the "OK" for future attempts at procreation even though my OB/GYN said no way! Since Sadie's birth, I haven't really had any issues. My primary care doctor has been monitoring my platelet levels just in case over the past year or so...nothing routine, just if I have to go in for something, they take a little blood and I go on my merry little way...no biggie! My levels have been fairly normal until the past couple of visits. In December, I had a follow-up lab drawn and my platelets were a little low...nothing serious, just enough to keep me on the radar. Well, over the past month or so I have been bruising like crazy...I tripped over a power cord and bruised, bump my leg on the counter and bruised, you touch me with any force and I'm gonna bruise. Poor David, good thing it's not really short sleeve weather yet because who knows what he would be accused of with all of my bruises! Anyway, I went to the doctor last week and he decided to check my levels just in case. It's never a good sign when you get a call back from the doctor the same day (especially after you have labwork done), so when I had a missed call from the doctor and I knew I hadn't left anything there, I knew something was up. After checking back with the doctor, he informed me that my platelet level had dropped more and he wanted to refer me back to the hematologist (further referred to as the "Hem/Onc"). So, I went to that appointment today. Whew....seven, yes I said seven, vials of blood later, we wait and see. The hem/onc doc was a little more concerned today than the last time I saw him. He was certain that the platelet issue was just a pregnancy thing previously, so he wasn't too pleased with my recent levels. He explained that there are several things that could cause thrombocytopenia, or ITP as he has diagnosed it. He cautioned me not to Google ITP or thrombocytopenia...too late, I had already done that a couple of pregnancies ago! There are lots of scary things out there when you Google it....the scariest of all being lymphomas or leukemia. He said that my white blood cell count and red blood cell count look good, so he's not incredibly concerned about any type of cancer, but it can't be ruled out. I go back to see him in three weeks for another platelet count. He said that if my platelets are still below normal at that point, he will do a bone marrow biopsy...makes me shiver just to think about it. He explained the process of the biopsy and, well, let's just say I'm really hoping to not have to go through that! I, of course, Googled bone marrow biopsy...huge mistake! I tried to watch a YouTube video of someone having it done and couldn't do it....didn't even make it two minutes into the video. I shudder to think about it! Overall, he said the basic treatment for ITP is steroids and if that doesn't work, worst case scenario is to remove the spleen since it kind of eats platelets. Sterioids....ughh...there goes that 30 pounds I just got rid of!

It's kind of a scary thing for me...I think Satan automatically leads us to believe the worst. When I first found out I was being referred back the hem/onc doc, I was beside myself. I was convinced that I was going to have some sort of leukemia and got a little frantic. I think I privately cried every time I went to the bathroom that day...the thought of not being there to watch my girls grow-up or to grow old with David just breaks my heart. Worst of all, I think, is that I am concerned that both doctors are going advise against having anymore children. Now, I'm not a Duggar by any means, but I also don't feel like I'm done having children. When you're having that conversation with your hubby about wanting more children vs. not wanting more children, you just don't take into consideration that you may not be able to carry another child. I've had several people tell me, especially when I was preggo with Sadie, that I must be crazy to think of having another one. Pregnancy is not the most fun for me...what with the weekly blood draws and doctor visits and the ever-lingering possibility of hospital bedrest, but I love being pregnant...I love the idea that another life is growing inside of me...I love exploring how God designed me to do just that! Even more, I love my daughters...and I still have lots of room to love another child....or two (ha ha to David if you read this!)! I don't feel like God is finished with our family...maybe this is His way of showing us other ways our family can grow. None of us know what He has in store for us! I can tell you this, the only reason I can smile, laugh, and keep moving on right now is that I know He is in control. Whatever happens here on this earth, He is in control. He loves me, He loves David, He loves my girls, He loves you! I know that He will take care of it all...it may not be what I planned, but, then again, I am foolish to think that I can make it through this life on my own plans!

Thanks for letting me share with you today! I will try to do better in the future, but no guarantees! Love you all! Have a great day!