The Big D...and what it means to me

So, I found out today that two of our friends are getting a divorce...and it's oh-so-painful for me to see. I think this is the first time any of our couple friends that we're close to have gone through this, so it's especially bothersome for me. (And by two of our friends, I mean two separate couples!) Let me share my past so you can maybe understand my point of view on this subject.

I fully understand that sometimes a marriage just doesn't work out and that in certain circumstances, especially abusive situations, God doesn't desire for any of His children to suffer in a marriage. With that being said, I just can't tell you enough how hard and painful divorce is on a family. My parents were divorced very early in my life...I think I was about four years old at the time....I'm really not sure because I was so young. Let's just say that I was young enough that I don't have any memories of my parents being together. I don't have those childhood memories of the whole family going to church together or going to get ice cream together and all those other fun things families do together...those memories just aren't there for me. Did I have a terrible childhood? No way...I had the most wonderful, caring, loving mother and grandparents a child could ask for! My childhood is filled with memories of long days playing at my grandparents house and they are all wonderful...wouldn't trade those days for anything! I am so blessed to have been able to be so close to my grandparents!

However, the other side of those wonderful memories are those that are filled with the guilt and pain that I was the reason that my parents got divorced. I think all I ever wanted as a child was my father's love and approval...I truly believed that my father didn't live in our house anymore because of me. I lived much of my life feeling like I was unwanted and that my birth caused my father to leave our family. I know now that there were bigger issues and I was not one of them, but, as a child, that's all I could see. I guess I'm better for it because I never wanted to be less that perfect growing up because I thought that my good grades (straight A's through high school) or other achievements would suddenly make my father approve of me and love me more. I would win awards just to impress someone that wasn't watching. (But, hey, I did end up with a full scholarship to college where I met my wonderful husband and went on to get a doctorate degree and I now have a career I love and that provides for my family!) I know that there are many children who probably had those same emotions and their parents are probably still together...I'm just telling my story.

Now, I'm not writing this to completely bash one parent or the other...I have much better relationships with both of my parents now. I also have an amazing stepfather that stepped in when I was 7 and cared for me more than I will ever know...and I am so thankful for God's provision with that. At the same time, the concept of fatherly love was completely foreign to me until my children were born and I got to see first hand just how much a Daddy loves his daughters! It's at that point that I think I truly got just how much God loves us! As a teen, I was very active in church...that's what I did and I loved it. I think I even thought that I could be perfect at that too...I related my relationship with Christ the same as with my earthly father. If I was doing everything as perfectly as I could, then He must love me, but if I slip up, He would leave me. That's what I thought about God for the longest time...I just didn't understand the whole "He loves us like a father loves his child" concept because I didn't know what that meant. However, seeing how much David and I loved our girls from the moment we knew of them (meaning two pink lines on a stick!), I got it! I finally understood how much He loves and how much He desires us! What a joyous and wonderful feeling to finally understand that unconditional love people speak of and to know that there is a God who has loved me that way since I was created! (Guess what...He loves you that much too!)

So, I got a little side-tracked on the whole divorce issue. Here's the thing...I am so thankful now that my parents aren't together. I know that God works for the good and that was the good for our family. I know that I am better for it, but I would never want a child to feel the way I did growing up. All I can do is beg of you that if you are going through or have been through a divorce or if you have family that has been through that, please make sure those children involved know how much they are loved. I can see now the different factors in my father's involvement in my life (does it make it any better, not really, but I get it), but as a child I couldn't see any of that. I know now that he did and does love me and can see that/ All I could see then is that my parents were together, I was born, then they weren't together anymore. I have never known of a child being the reason for the divorce, but do the children in those situations know that? Please make sure your child knows that they aren't/weren't the reason...and please, please never play that game with your children where you put one parent against the other and say that one parent loves the children and the other does not. It's already too much for children to experience, but to place that already lingering doubt of if a parent loves them on top of it is just too much.

OK, I'm going to step off of my soapbox for now. By writing this I'm not saying I'm perfect and that my marriage is perfect or that my marriage will always be perfect, but I do pray daily thanking the Lord for my marriage and pray that the He will sustain my marriage. I am so thankful for this amazing man that God has given me! I really hope I haven't upset anyone with this...it was on my heart to share my experience and I don't intend it to be judgmental in any way.